a much needed break/a not needed illness

this weekend was so great! Our little family got to take a break and travel to farson, wy for a baby blessing in the family. it was so good to get out! and the best part was that wayne and i actually had time to talk like we used to and just be best friends again :) that's all we needed and now things are great again! so i guess the busyness of our lives was the problem because it didn't leave enough time for us to be best friends.

there was one bad part this weekend though...saturday morning (before we left) we awoke to find claira sick with a very stuffy head cold. so we got her into the doctor and luckily he didn't think she was showing signs of RSV so we didn't have to take a trip to the hospital. instead he put her on meds to treat the suspected ear ache and sent us on our way. she's getting better little by little, but it's definitely a long process.
and then on sunday to top it all off i started getting sick with her cold and man is it miserable! i feel so bad she has to go through this being only 3 weeks old. and then not too surprisingly (because this cold was/is obviously catching) wayne started coming down with symptoms sunday night. so now we are all in bed trying to recover.

emotional

Am I a drama queen? I think very much on the emotional side of the brain. Is it because of my theatre training? or am i just an emotional person? lately wayne and i have been having a hard time; is it that we're purposely hurting each other, do we not know how to communicate well anymore, is life too stressful, did we make some wrong choices, can we not understand each others emotions, do we not truely care enough anymore, or is it just a symptom of these 6 weeks of post-partum and how annoying that is? Well, whatever it is  know it's not permanent, but it's still really annoying. i hate that we upset each other and dont listen very well right now. i miss my best friend and emotional support. maybe life is just way too stressful to be healthy right now... but what can be changed? i don't think there is anything that we control that can be changed without changing our goals and dreams. that being said, i guess we choose this.

Math problems...

Ahh! I am so freakin' sick of this! Math is ruining my life. It's not because I can't do it or struggle horribly, it's because it makes Wayne and I argue. Sometimes I just verification that I am doing something correctly or perhaps need a question answered that I can not find in all the resources I am given with my class. The problem is that when it comes to math we do things very differently. I am so glad we don't have these kinds of communication differences in our regular lives or we would never work. It just frustrates me and even makes me mad that we have these problems communicating math because we never have communication problems like this and I don't know how to work with him if we cannot communicate with each other. That is the foundation for our relationship; the reason we work so well is that we communicate all the time and very thoroughly.

Another problem is our stress level right now. I'm about to have a baby and am sure I am even more irritable than I realize (and I see it a lot in myself right now). I am so tired all of the time, have a ton on my plate, and expect my family to help compensate for my lack of ability but see very little of those results. I feel like it is a constant fight with myself first (because I can't get my body to work since I have a big stomach in the way and cannot bend over very well along with the lack of energy to do the things I can physically do), then a fight with my family in trying to get them to make up for my lack (and only making everyone mad because I expect them to do a lot more than normal), and then a fight again with myself because the work still isn't done and I have to find a way to get as much of it done as possible despite my physical lacking. My family isn't horrible, but I feel like if people care about you and realize your struggles (obvious when I am pregnant and at the very end of it, you would think) that they will help to make your life a little better and help in those areas because they love you and actually think about you like that. I know they (at least Wayne) think of me, but they for some reason do not realize how I need help in some of the simplest things, even when I ask for it. What do you do? I just want to cry all of the time (not to mention that I'm probably a bit emotional, also from the pregnancy).

Sometimes I think Wayne's problem with realizing my need for help is because of another "math" problem...money. We somehow budgeted incorrectly and are short about $1000. I know we have family and the church we can turn to for help, but how did this happen? I think Wayne is super stressed about it and because of that he kind of tunes out. The problem is that I am stressed too and do not get to use it as an excuse because if I did my life would fall apart. I'm still in school right now, I babysit my niece, I am pregnant, and soon my husband will be at school and work all day and will not be able to help out much because he won't be around. That is why I need his help now so I can get things to a point where I CAN handle them on my own. But if I can't handle them myself now, how will I handle them once I have a newborn baby that I have to take care of 24/7? I'm so excited and happy to have Claira, but I can't do it alone. I know this is the right thing for us to be starting our family right now, even with all the problems, but is it not right for me to want help from my family? Isn't that what they are supposed to be there for? I just feel so alone sometimes. The family who would help are not here, and the family who are here do not help enough. They all have their struggles they are going through right now, I know, but I can't have them falling apart on me right now because I am struggling too. Can't we work together? I can't fall apart even if I wanted to because if I did it would ruin everything Wayne and I are working towards. I know that sounds over dramatic, but me getting an education, having a clean home, and being happy are all small parts of our big goals. If I cannot do those things and be happy with my life now I am not living towards having a happy life then. Happiness must be now through the trials, but without my family working together I am not happy.

And then there's the whole part of my "growing up family" (as I call them) falling apart. My dad has messed up his own life and our lives so much that I would be happy to never have him a part of mine again, just because every time he enters it he messes up everything I've been working for; my mom has no education, can't get a job, and is living something that I could never accept for myself, I feel like she's the child in our relationship; my brother at least did something with his life by joining the military, but I sometimes think he would be happy to never see us again because it seems like he ran away instead of joining for some master goal; and then there's my sister Jazmine who Wayne and I have been taking care of for 8 months trying to teach to have a good life by making good choices who throws everything she is give away and we now are kicking out of our house because she is not using the help she is given. I need extra support through all of this but instead I feel used, ignored, and alone. I can run to the Lord and into my husbands arms, but I just want help to do the simple things in my life (cleaning, having food made, and time to do my schoolwork without extra responsibilities) so that I can at least know something is going right in my life. How can I be so happy in knowing I'm doing the right things and that the Lord loves me while feeling so sad about everything else? I just don't want my life to be like this anymore. But I can't change it without changing my goals...I will not sacrifice my goals...but I can't control the ones that require other people's work, like having my family be happy and working together (aka: making right choices, showering each other with love instead of fighting and even hating each other, serving each other, being on the Lord's side, etc.)

All I can say is...*sigh* and keep going forward the best I can and remembering I am not alone although I may feel that way sometimes. ...I just wish the work would disappear or that my live-in family would help with it a lot more...

Baby girl is up to something!

So I'm not sure what she's thinking or even doing, but this little girl in my tummy is giving me quite a ride! I woke up with a horrible pain in my left side/hip and couldn't even go to work. I'm not sure if she got stuck or if she's on my s...nerve (I can't even think of the name, I just know it starts with an "s") or if she's trying to come early. My stomach looks like it has dropped and I need to get some hospital bags pack quick just in case she decides to come! I hope she waits until she is healthy enough but I won't be sad if that point is earlier than expected. I will be very happy to not have all this painful pressure inside anymore. And I can't wait to cuddle her! Anyway, I'm not going to worry but trust that the Lord will take care of us both. Now to get some hopefully good sleep :)

Fight

Last night was one of the worst experiences I have ever had. It ended up with me in tears and fearing I was going to have problems with my pregnancy or even go into labor early. I had to call Wayne home from work to save me and calm me down.

I figure after some thought that the problem came from a few things: bad or lack of communication between a couple we live with, forgetfulness, childishness, and life stress (money, lack of time, etc.)

Communication Problems
We are all very tight on money so that has been hard on everyone living here. One thing was said before moving in together and another has happened quite often. That's the money problem. I try to be understanding and help where I can to a point, but I can only help where I am able. Since we don't have much money at all to spare normally we obviously cannot front money in anyway, especially in tight times like these. So I have done other acts such as giving free money saving services to the people in my home on top of working to help earn my family money all while being pregnant, going to school, and trying to start one of my dreams of my sound business. The other woman living here has had to make some similar sacrifices in order to keep her family afloat. We don't understand each other on every aspect but we do understand struggles. She did her part to help by trying to ease our financial burden slightly with something she was capable of doing that wouldn't cost her anything more than she was already planning, but for some reason her husband didn't get the memo or he forgot, or perhaps he misunderstood. This is just one example. Another comes when this man thinks one thing and the wife thinks or knows another and instead of working it out between each other my family is put in the middle of it and expected to pick up the slack. It's fine if it's offered but if it's not it shouldn't be expected.

Forgetfulness
There are a lot of things done for each other that do not directly involve money, this is what family does for each other. But if you start to compare contributions and think your life is not fair then you must remember every little penny or second someone donates to helping you. If someone is saving you over $400 a month by baby sitting for free, washes the kitchen towels, your baby's bibs, and lets you use her towels over and over washing them each time it adds up! How is that compared to you offering to save her about $100 at the most? How about we just don't compare and try to live happily? If there really is a problem have your facts straight!

Childishness
Don't be selfish, try to understand the other person or people's wants, struggles, and feelings. And just because you are having a hard time does not give you and excuse to not be an adult. I don't care how hard your life is or how tight money is, you find a way to do your part. It's not that hard to do a chore and it only take paying attention to know where your money goes. Don't buy expensive things if you don't think you'll have enough money in the future.

Stress
We're all stressed! Deal with it! Others shouldn't have to pick up your slack just because you have problems. I'm sorry but that is life.

Finally, be honest in all things; your words, actions, communication, promises, and thoughts. Your thoughts might be your own but be honest with yourself. How can you be honest with others if you are not honest with yourself and spouse first?

Wall sayings and quotes

I am finally going to decorate our home! Yay! This may be a long process due to the lack of money and lack of time in my life, but one way or another I will get it done! We have one wall that will be full of family pictures, an area of military stuff, and whatever else my heart desires. Here are some quotes/sayings I am looking through for the walls (If you have any other ideas that sound good let me know!):

Live-Laugh-Love
Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts (that's just funny, probably not good for the wall)
Happiness is homemade
Family-the ones you Live with, Laugh with, and Love
In out home let love abide, and bless all those who step inside
Family is the key to happiness
Our family tree is full of nuts (just kidding, I wouldn't use that!)
The most important work you will ever do will be within the walls of your own home. -Harold B. Lee
Bless this home with love and laughter

Military (there will be pictures of our family soldiers):
O're the land of the free and the home of the brave
Freedom isn't free
Its' not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for you country. -Kennedy
God bless America
God bless our soldiers
There's only one flag for me... it speaks of power, pardon, peace, and purity

Lalalalala! (in annoying tones)-That's how I feel

I finally finished my Business Information Systems class! But instead of feeling relieved I just feel stressed and sick of school! That's not what's supposed to happen. I have really got to try harder to stay on top of things this next class...maybe get ahead! ....That's what I think with every class though, and it has just gotten worse every time despite my efforts. I wish I could have the summer off! Oh well....


On a good note: I'm having a GIRL! Yay! Honestly the gender didn't matter to me as much as the fact that I am having a child, a baby actually (thank goodness it won't be a 10 year old or another teenager, lol). I'm excited because you get to do lots of cute things with girls. You do with boys too, but girls just have something special which takes more of your time because you get distracted with pretty stuff...which is probably a bad thing since I need to concentrate on school and perhaps getting my business started. (I'm beginning to wonder if something will get postponed...probably the business part because I can't cut back on school unless I completely drop out).

     I wish I could do it all! I try so hard! I used to be able to do so much with such a short amount of free time or even freedom, but now I find myself always feeling behind. Why is it that as you get older you need to expect less of yourself. Yes, you have more wisdom but less energy to use. Sigh.
     It probably wouldn't be so bad if I were not pregnant on top of everything. Oh and not to mention the raising a teenager part. But with those two things I feel like it is almost impossible to do school, housework, work at Applebees, and stay sane all in one day. And I don't even have the working part everyday...but when I do forget some other part of my life because I don't have time or energy! I feel pathetic. Maybe I should move to a cave. There are no bills, chores (except for cooking the food my husband hunts over the fire he builds), or need for education. I could just go back to the caveman way of living. Doesn't that just sound nice? Oh wait, would my baby survive very well in that environment? Oh dang! I guess I just better work things out here instead.

Anyway, hope your day/life is going better than mine feels right now. And if it's not, I'm sorry for complaining, this baby inside me makes me be a baby myself. But I shouldn't worry about that because I don't think anyone reads this unless they are so bored they want to read about my complaints...or something like that.

How about this? I love you! Yep, you! Haha! I do love people, they make me happy with their weird quorks and all. Except for when they don't clean up their messes, lol. But anyway, I am very tired so I'm not quite sure what I am saying anymore. Have a good night!