Ugh...

Not very happy with things right this second... What do I want? I don't want to work anymore. But I like it at the same time. That's the main thing.

Pros of working: make money, get out of the house, serve others, connect with other people a little (which is kinda huge when I don't get to do anything with anyone but my family much), exercise, something to make me have a schedule.

Cons of working: get hungry and can't eat, makes me tired more than I can handle with my life sometimes, can't take care of my house as much as I want and no one else will step up and do it, my work clothes are starting to get too small, I have to pay almost $50 to get some dumb permits pretty soon, I have no time to get out of my house for fun with out falling behind in important areas of my life, makes me have to rely on others just to be disappointed.

Well, I guess my cons list looks a bit longer... but it's also just more wordy. Do I need the money? I don't know! I'm so lost with our finances lately (mostly because I'm so forgetful and just cannot wrap my mind around the numbers, good or bad). Wayne said we still needed me to work because he didn't have a job, but now he "kinda" has one. It's not a set schedule kind of thing but he gets to work. I want to quit so bad sometimes, but I don't want to at the same time. I like being able to have that job and the benefits of it sometimes, but when I get home and see how daily my house gets slightly worse and worse it makes me just want to quit so I can have the energy to clean it more and keep things organized. If I could count on the people I lived with to do that a bit more it wouldn't be so bad, but I don't feel I can rely on them. I've tried, but unless I spell out every little detail (and even then it doesn't always happen) things just don't get done how they should. Is it too much to ask people to put things away properly instead of just throwing them near the place they belong, or to clean up after themselves more, or to help just to be nice instead of being forced, or to pick up after themselves? It drives me crazy. It's a constant battle. At least the big things have become more of a habit to at least get the important parts for living done, but what about cleanliness and sanitization? What about making it so I feel I could bring friends, or even more important later this year-clients, into my home without having to clean it first. I just want it to stay clean. It's understandable for certain things, but how hard is it to pick up after yourself or turn off the light when you leave a room?

Oh well, I guess I just better accept that it's not going to happen the way I want. I guess I should just keep doing what I'm doing and try to find the positive side of things. I just don't really want to have to try that hard. I just feel kinda hopeless with a lot of things. I want some time to rest and be lazy without feeling my world crashes down because I'm not taking care of everyone. But I guess that is just life for you. Get used to it Jessica.