Math problems...

Ahh! I am so freakin' sick of this! Math is ruining my life. It's not because I can't do it or struggle horribly, it's because it makes Wayne and I argue. Sometimes I just verification that I am doing something correctly or perhaps need a question answered that I can not find in all the resources I am given with my class. The problem is that when it comes to math we do things very differently. I am so glad we don't have these kinds of communication differences in our regular lives or we would never work. It just frustrates me and even makes me mad that we have these problems communicating math because we never have communication problems like this and I don't know how to work with him if we cannot communicate with each other. That is the foundation for our relationship; the reason we work so well is that we communicate all the time and very thoroughly.

Another problem is our stress level right now. I'm about to have a baby and am sure I am even more irritable than I realize (and I see it a lot in myself right now). I am so tired all of the time, have a ton on my plate, and expect my family to help compensate for my lack of ability but see very little of those results. I feel like it is a constant fight with myself first (because I can't get my body to work since I have a big stomach in the way and cannot bend over very well along with the lack of energy to do the things I can physically do), then a fight with my family in trying to get them to make up for my lack (and only making everyone mad because I expect them to do a lot more than normal), and then a fight again with myself because the work still isn't done and I have to find a way to get as much of it done as possible despite my physical lacking. My family isn't horrible, but I feel like if people care about you and realize your struggles (obvious when I am pregnant and at the very end of it, you would think) that they will help to make your life a little better and help in those areas because they love you and actually think about you like that. I know they (at least Wayne) think of me, but they for some reason do not realize how I need help in some of the simplest things, even when I ask for it. What do you do? I just want to cry all of the time (not to mention that I'm probably a bit emotional, also from the pregnancy).

Sometimes I think Wayne's problem with realizing my need for help is because of another "math" problem...money. We somehow budgeted incorrectly and are short about $1000. I know we have family and the church we can turn to for help, but how did this happen? I think Wayne is super stressed about it and because of that he kind of tunes out. The problem is that I am stressed too and do not get to use it as an excuse because if I did my life would fall apart. I'm still in school right now, I babysit my niece, I am pregnant, and soon my husband will be at school and work all day and will not be able to help out much because he won't be around. That is why I need his help now so I can get things to a point where I CAN handle them on my own. But if I can't handle them myself now, how will I handle them once I have a newborn baby that I have to take care of 24/7? I'm so excited and happy to have Claira, but I can't do it alone. I know this is the right thing for us to be starting our family right now, even with all the problems, but is it not right for me to want help from my family? Isn't that what they are supposed to be there for? I just feel so alone sometimes. The family who would help are not here, and the family who are here do not help enough. They all have their struggles they are going through right now, I know, but I can't have them falling apart on me right now because I am struggling too. Can't we work together? I can't fall apart even if I wanted to because if I did it would ruin everything Wayne and I are working towards. I know that sounds over dramatic, but me getting an education, having a clean home, and being happy are all small parts of our big goals. If I cannot do those things and be happy with my life now I am not living towards having a happy life then. Happiness must be now through the trials, but without my family working together I am not happy.

And then there's the whole part of my "growing up family" (as I call them) falling apart. My dad has messed up his own life and our lives so much that I would be happy to never have him a part of mine again, just because every time he enters it he messes up everything I've been working for; my mom has no education, can't get a job, and is living something that I could never accept for myself, I feel like she's the child in our relationship; my brother at least did something with his life by joining the military, but I sometimes think he would be happy to never see us again because it seems like he ran away instead of joining for some master goal; and then there's my sister Jazmine who Wayne and I have been taking care of for 8 months trying to teach to have a good life by making good choices who throws everything she is give away and we now are kicking out of our house because she is not using the help she is given. I need extra support through all of this but instead I feel used, ignored, and alone. I can run to the Lord and into my husbands arms, but I just want help to do the simple things in my life (cleaning, having food made, and time to do my schoolwork without extra responsibilities) so that I can at least know something is going right in my life. How can I be so happy in knowing I'm doing the right things and that the Lord loves me while feeling so sad about everything else? I just don't want my life to be like this anymore. But I can't change it without changing my goals...I will not sacrifice my goals...but I can't control the ones that require other people's work, like having my family be happy and working together (aka: making right choices, showering each other with love instead of fighting and even hating each other, serving each other, being on the Lord's side, etc.)

All I can say is...*sigh* and keep going forward the best I can and remembering I am not alone although I may feel that way sometimes. ...I just wish the work would disappear or that my live-in family would help with it a lot more...